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Honest Glossary of EU Jargon

MEP

Member of the European Parliament

An elected representative tolerated by the European Commission in order to maintain a pretense of democracy.

EPP

European People's Party

The group in the European Parliament for people who do what the economy wants them to do.

S&D

Progressive Alliance of Socialists & Democrats

The group in the European Parliament for people who do what the economy wants them to do, but with a bad conscience.

Greens-EFA

Greens-European Free Alliance

The group in the European Parliament for people who do what the economy wants them to do, but with a bad conscience and the feeling that it's getting too hot.

GUE/NGL

European United Left/Nordic Green Left

The one group that’s not so friendly with business. Consequently, erm, coincidentally, it is by far the smallest.

RE

Renew Europe

The EPP, but with a little less Orbán and a little more Macron. Promises to radically change Europe with…more neoliberalism.

ECR

European Conservatives and Reformists Group

The group for people not afraid to spoil the secret that neoliberalism works perfectly fine without human rights or the rule of law.

ID

Identity and Democracy

Nazis.

Non-Assigned

A social experiment, mostly. What happens when you put fascist thugs, communists, separatists and satirists right next to each other? Stay tuned to the European Parliament to find out!

Plenary

When all MEPs get together to talk out loud to themselves and press some buttons. For this purpose MEPs travel four-hundred kilometers to a building worth six-hundred-million euro.

Resolution

The parliament may not have the power to prevent human rights abuses, but it will defend to the death its right to denounce them.

Amendments

The parliament doesn't even have the power to propose legislation, but it can at least suggest changes. Which is no small matter. With enough attention to detail, MEPs can add or close loopholes that businesses can exploit [See: every group but the far-left] or fix a misplaced comma.

Committee

Bodies of MEPs created to discuss specific policy areas (budgetary matters, foreign policy, etc.), because they had to give us something to do.

Petition

When citizens who think they can influence things present a request to a committee that thinks it can influence things within a parliament that thinks it can influence things.

Citizens’ Initiative

Like a petition, except the initiators must collect a million signatures, jump through some rings of fire and outrun a bear to prove that they are serious. This extra effort makes it slightly more awkward when the Commission rejects the proposal.

European Council

A nice opportunity for elected heads of state to meet for a little getaway from democratic accountability.

The European Commission

It’s like the executive branch. Except its leaders weren’t really elected. And it took over the legislative branch. But don’t worry, it’s kept in check…by other executive branches. [see: the European Council]

The European Parliament

The setting for Nico's videos, with studios in Brussels, Strasbourg and Luxembourg. About seven hundred other hosts use the Parliament for their own shows too, though their ratings are usually much lower.

The Spitzenkandidat system

A procedure for a more democratic election of the President of the European Commission. It has been tested in previous elections, and will be fully implemented as soon as the people vote for the same person all European leaders would have anyways agreed upon behind closed doors.

High nobility

The rich and powerful, able to tout their status as the “chosen ones.” Together they decide the fate of the lands under their control as well as their neighbors. [See: European Council]

Clergy

A group claiming access to esoteric knowledge and healing powers that it uses to influence commoners. Usually close to, and often fully dependent on, the high nobility. [See: The European Commission]

Peasants’ Parliament

Despite representing mere commoners, facing constant humiliation before the clergy and nobility, and having largely symbolic powers, peasants’ parliaments attempt to keep power in check and even claim some for themselves. Through peaceful means, this succeeded roughly…never. [See: The European Parliament]